Everyone deals with grief and bad news at some point. It could be the death of a loved one or beloved pet, a divorce or separation, or a negative health diagnosis. These things are not selective – they happen to all of us. The Royal Family has recently dealt with its own stream of bad news, including the death of the late Queen, family feuds, and cancer diagnoses for the King and the Princess of Wales.
While challenging for anyone, grief and bad news can be especially difficult for young children to understand and cope with. They may not have the language or vocabulary to describe their emotions, but they still feel them. As early years professionals, we need to approach these sensitive topics with care, compassion, and understanding, whether for a child, a family, or a colleague. Where a tragic event has touched the whole local population, a community-wide approach may be needed.
Children’s Perception Of Death And Grief
Young children perceive and process grief differently than adults. Their understanding varies based on their age and developmental stage:
- Infants (0-2 years) – have no cognitive ability to understand the concept of death. They can sense the absence of a familiar person or pet but do not understand what that absence means. Their reaction is based on changes in their immediate environment, such as moving to live with someone else
- Toddlers (2-3 years) – may start to recognise that someone is missing but do not understand the permanence of death. They might display distress or confusion over the person’s absence but lack the cognitive development to grasp that death is irreversible. Their understanding is very literal, so it is important to avoid using phrases like “they’re resting” which can confuse this age group
- Pre-schoolers (3-5 years) – often see death as temporary and reversible, like a cartoon character who gets up after being ‘knocked out.’ They might ask questions like, “When is X coming back?”
- Early primary (6-9 years) – begin to understand that death is final and that all living things die eventually but may believe that it only happens to ‘older’ people
- Pre-teens (9-12 years) – begin to grasp the universality and inevitability of death and that it can happen to anyone, at any time
- Teenagers – have a more adult-like understanding of death, recognising its permanence, inevitability, and the impact on their own lives and those of others
How To Help With Grief And Bad News
There are many ways to help when dealing with death, grief, or bad news. Remember that information may be confidential, so only share it with staff who need to know and ask permission from parents or carers beforehand. Sometimes you do not want to share details, but it is important to let your staff know that a child is dealing with some difficult emotions so they can respond appropriately.
Here are some suggestions:
Use Open And Honest Communication About Grief And Bad News
This is vital, as is communicating often with parents or carers to continually understand the situation and how you can best help.
Use age-appropriate language and avoid euphemisms that may confuse children. For example, instead of saying, “Grandma has gone to sleep,” explain that, “Grandma has died, and her body has stopped working.” Avoid jargon and check that the children understand what you have said.
When talking about bad news such as a health diagnosis, use age-appropriate language and be honest but also reassuring, saying things like “Mummy is not well and has an illness called cancer. She still loves you and the doctors are going to help her get better.”
Provide Physical Comfort
Hugs, cuddles, and holding hands can provide reassurance and a sense of safety for young children. Appropriate physical touch can help soothe their anxiety and provide a sense of connection, so ensure you are attuned to their needs and offer comfort as needed.
Prepare Children For Changes
If you know there will be changes in the child’s situation, you can help prepare them. For example, you might say: “Mummy might feel tired and need to rest more, but she will still be here for you.”
You may also need to help children prepare for a funeral, memorial service, or other family tradition by explaining what to expect and how they could participate. Talk to the family to see how you can help. It could be something like suggesting the child draws a picture, lights a candle, or shares a memory depending on their age.
Encourage Questions And Emotional Expression About Grief And Loss
Allow children to ask questions and express their feelings. Listen attentively, answer honestly, and validate their feelings to help them process their emotions. Children need to know that it is okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or scared without feeling judged, so encourage them to express their feelings often. This can be through talking, drawing, creative activities, or just playing. Remember that their behaviour may be affected by their emotions and that all behaviour is communication. Ask yourself what the child is trying to communicate with any negative behaviour you encounter. Remember too that dealing with these big emotions will take time, so be patient.
Use Stories, Books And Other Resources On Grief and Bad News
There are many resources available that deal specifically with death, loss, family breakups, and health scares such as cancer. These can help explain the situation in a gentle and compassionate way. They include books, stories, cartoons, online videos, TV programmes, and specific charities.
Maintain Normal Routines To Help With Grief
Keeping routines consistent can provide children with a sense of security. This is particularly important when the child is experiencing upset or change in their world outside your setting. Remember too that many adults need a consistent routine if they are dealing with these situations. The key is to be flexible – keep routines as consistent as possible but allow for moments when the child or adult needs to grieve, regain composure, or express their feelings.
Seek Professional Help For Complicated Grief
Some children or adults may develop symptoms of complicated grief, also known as prolonged grief disorder or persistent complex bereavement disorder. This is a form of grief that lasts for an extended period and significantly impacts a person’s ability to function in daily life. Signs can include persistent sadness, withdrawal, changes in behaviour, and difficulty concentrating. If you notice these signs, signpost the family or carers to seek professional support to ensure the child receives the help they need.
Helping young children cope with grief and bad news requires sensitivity, patience, and a compassionate approach. Each child is unique, and their needs may vary. By offering a safe and supportive environment, you can help young children navigate their emotions and build resilience in the face of loss.
